Compassion: The Ultimate Super-Power

When I was very young, and when I was a very young professional, I was an adamant champion of compassion for a number of reasons.

First, my personal (highly-imperfect) faith and values grounded in the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi have always been my rock: "Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace; Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy."

Another key factor: I was severely bullied in childhood. The upside of having been hurt is the gift of empathy. I hate to see others in any level of emotional pain because I know firsthand how badly it can sting and how permanently it can last.

Finally, I was a born lover of compassionate words and deeds. Whether following Charter for Compassion taking a training from The King Center or otherwise being a bleeding-heart, hippie-type person overall - compassion was my ideal, my goal, and my jam.

I even kept this little "Success Is" card in my home office. I'd picked it up as a teenager in the (long-ago gone) basement chapel at the Bergen Mall in Paramus, NJ and never wanted to part with it. The rhyme is hokey, the language old-moded, and the authorship...uh...murky. But the core message is true.

How nice, kid. Welcome to reality.

As I moved through my life and career, like most of us, in additional to the beautiful things we experience, I saw the unpleasant underbelly of both business and personal doings. As I viewed moments of unnecessary competitiveness, watched cutthroat people win, saw unfair practices, listened to bad politics, and lived through things like the layoffs of myself, my husband, family members and many fantastically talented people, somehow my trust in compassion as a skill - particularly at work - eroded.

Harmful things we witness or experience personally, when stacked across decades, can lead us to dark places where compassion feels like a liability, a weakness. "If I'm too nice, I'll be eaten alive." Our sense of survival strategy, even fight or flight, kicks in and compassion becomes more of an afterthought or a part of who we really are, rather than something we elevate to the fore as a daily conscious practice.

In reality, I've learned that compassion is not only a great ethic to possess but also a great actionable tool that can make me a better human, healthier, a better colleague, and a better leader.

If you love compassion, compassionate action can become your best asset, your super-power.

I was recently part of a group training for women leaders on emotional intelligence - conducted by an excellent expert (check out Naomi Lippin, Pathway 2 Transformation 🏳️‍🌈)

In the course of that terrific program, we got to emphasizing our own values as leadership assets. I decided as my training takeaway that I'd put a list of my values next to my laptop: the things I hold dear not only as ideal leadership best practice, but my own non-negotiables that I need to utilize in order to be my authentic self.

Ultimately, my several bullets became one big all-important bullet: compassion.

How does that work in practical terms? First of all, it's not an easy thing to do - it's challenging in the absolute best sense of the word - to lead with compassion.

When someone is being totally unfair, even mean - whether at the gas station, during a business meeting, or via an email - I now I actively work to pause for a moment.

First, I think of something we have in common - could be anything small or big (our interests, our era, our gender-related experiences, our background, our musical taste). How can I find a way to first and foremost relate to the individual's humanity and remember the negative or upsetting words I'm hearing are coming from the inside of a person with whom I share something? One tiny thing can be more than enough to feel relatable.

Second, I ask myself - where is this person coming from really right now? Are they coming from a place of having been burned in some way before? Personal insecurity? Anger? Marginalizing experiences? You don't have to condone bad behavior. You don't have to like it. And you are well within your rights to protect yourself when truly necessary by leaving the gas station or talking to HR. But if you stop first to genuinely think about what might have led another human to a particularly bad-acting moment, I promise your compassionate reaction will be more measured and smart than any sort of knee-jerk response. Before I respond at all, now I look at that word "compassion" and try to find a way to ensure what I say or write or do next is grounded in good-heartedness.

Third, I get tactical from a place of compassion: I decide to be curious (thank you to two wonderful coaches Mary O'Reilly and Benjamin Perkins) even if on the surface whatever is being initially proposed seems somehow ludicrous from my own tiny, limited vantage point (hint: no matter how much life or work expertise we believe we possess, every single one of us lives within our own tiny, limited vantage point).

Next, I seek to understand - deeply and with compassion. Maybe I missed part of their point. Maybe I've never considered the idea before. Maybe I'm even right on this one and the other party isn't - but so what! Understanding the other person's "why" matters more, because we always have more we can learn from others if we want to evolve ourselves.

Finally, loaded with common ground in mind, I decide to thoughtfully act. That action can range from finding a solution we can take together that will leave everyone reasonably happy to simply not responding if something doesn't really need a response. Sometimes, saying nothing is the most compassionate thing we can do. Other times, I do respond, but in a new way: I try to make sure my response reinforces not only compassion but some level of joy or if that's not possible, peace and understanding.

Anyone can pour fuel on a fire and watch it grow - that's easy, all it takes is words and deeds that amount to lighter fluid. A person who challenges themselves to be compassionate is embracing higher-level thinking and doing, running on all cylinders, fulfilling the promise of true self-actualization.

Compassion in action isn't weakness, it's strength.

I don't have all the answers - so far from it. I'm learning as I go. And I always hope that sharing a little of what I'm learning will make it easier and faster for others to learn, too.

Compassion, like all the things we strive to do best, doesn't always come naturally in the heat of a moment. Most of us will spend our lives being somehow imperfect practitioners of the art of compassion. I know sometimes I'll get it right and sometimes I'll fail. But that's OK. I'm learning to be compassionate with myself, too.