When the universe whispers, listen

Pre-reading note: this post discusses loss of life to suicide.

"Thank you."

I was a little bit startled by the man sitting in a chair behind me while I waited for my decaf at my favorite coffee shop. I don't get there often, it's almost 30 minutes from my house, but I find the amazing brew is worth the occasional trip.

I turned around and the man smiled wholeheartedly but somehow weakly at once. He looked pale and very tired, especially through the eyes. He was the sort of person who could talk to you with his eyes - warm, communicative. I instantly could feel his vibe - he'd seen an awful lot in life, and it showed.

I hadn't done anything for the man, had barely noticed him sitting there. We hadn't spoken. So I looked back at him more than a litlte confused - I had no idea why he was thanking me. Now we locked eyes and he quietly said, "Your shirt. Thank you for your shirt."

After a second, I realized. I had forgotten I was wearing my new sweatshirt for only maybe the third time. The front says, "You are enough." And the back says, "Dear person behind me. The world is a better place with you in it. Love, the person in front of you."

I bought the shirt after seeing several like it online. I wasn't 100% sure if the one I ordered was from the original creator (though I tried my best on that score). But it seemed to me like maybe the message could quietly do some good in an increasingly mixed-up world.

Mainly, I bought it in memory of a high school friend named Nick F. who ended his life before it had even really begun to take beautiful shape. He was an absolute love of a kid., about four years younger than me. Nick was so talented, very handsome, failed by the medical care of the time, and ultimately unable to stay with us. He was such a great boy.

I grew up in a very small town and there are a bunch of us who remember Nick every day, and a few times a year in quiet ways many of us say so. The sweatshirt felt like a way to say so more often without actually having to utter a world - a gentle hope that maybe another Nick would see and feel the love the shirt's words offered and think twice before making an irrevocably tragic choice. 

I wanted to try it. But if I'm being honest, the shirt felt like a Sisyphus-level pipedream of making any sort of difference. I figured, though, "Why not?"

Then the coffee run happened. The simple shirt started a conversation. The man who had spoken up, the shop owner - an exceptionally good person in my limited experience as a customer - and I ended up having a small, genuine chat about the reason why I had chosen it and the need in life for all of us to care about one another in little moments.

We even joked that for some of us - people like both myself and the shop owner - sometimes we can be such a handful that "you are enough" might apply more like "I've had enough of you." But the man who'd originally said thank you saw it differently.

"It's the back that makes the difference. Today, I needed it. It meant something."

And again, he looked at me in a very soulful and true way. Man, those eyes. They could positively speak. I knew in that moment that maybe he hadn't had anyone tell him they cared if he was alive or dead in a very long time. Not even a stranger like me.

I can be conversely the original Pollyanna and at times jaded beyond measure. The mixed blessing that is more than one Jersey girl's heart and soul. My loved ones frequently tease me about my often hokey, awkward, almost weird attempts at trying to save people or at least leave them feeling someone cares.

All I know is that on this particular morning, I was so damned glad I'd bothered with buying the shirt.

On the same day, I pulled into a post office parking lot to send a text - not my usual post office. I saw hand-painted wooden signs everywhere. Not at all regular for the average U.S. postal system property with its dry informational signage. I loved each one, and most especially the care someone who works there had clearly taken to make them over the years.

But, I liked this one best: "Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but theirs."

As morning crept into afternoon, I couldn't help thinking, "Today was a day when the universe whispered to me: 'Don't give up. Don't stop caring.'"

Maybe I needed to hear that whisper just as much as my friend in the coffee shop needed to be reminded for a moment that people care - to be silently reassured that he was loved.

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